@TheMichaelRock

CW: It’s gonna get cold!

Me: You’re gonna die.

CW: Excuse me?

Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.

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@olivialoughlin3

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

@Cheeseboy22

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

@bigmacher

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

@iamspacegirl

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

@English_Channel

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

@PhilJamesson

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?