@TweetPotato314
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
@TheMichaelRock
CW: It’s gonna get cold!
Me: You’re gonna die.
CW: Excuse me?
Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.
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@TweetPotato314
@solsayswhaaa
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
@DaaNoggs
Jehovah’s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
@BoogTweets
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
@with_a_ph23
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
@specialhug
Hi. I’m Sarah McLachlan. Every year, thousands of innocent dragons are hunted for their balls
@ohen39
alien: take us to your leader
me: hold on I’ll go get him
[a few minutes later]
alien: you gotta be kidding me
me: *wearing a mustache* hello
@dshack8
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
@sixfootcandy
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
@l0ttiehall
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.