why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
CW: It’s gonna get cold!
Me: You’re gonna die.
CW: Excuse me?
Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.
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Do not disturb.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
In regards to Fyre Festival. I have a new hero.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?