*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
CW: It’s gonna get cold!
Me: You’re gonna die.
CW: Excuse me?
Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.
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– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I sexually identify with the black guy in a horror movie because this won’t last long and we all know it
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now