@TheMichaelRock

CW: It’s gonna get cold!

Me: You’re gonna die.

CW: Excuse me?

Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.

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@ThugRaccoons

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

@Skoog

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

@daviddeweil

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

@Daveastated

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

@Sickayduh

I sexually identify with the black guy in a horror movie because this won’t last long and we all know it

@CheryeDavis

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

@Tmoney68

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

@0point5twins

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

@Shen_the_Bird

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now