Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
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We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.