CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
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Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Free him
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Follow me for more life hacks.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Cause of death: Zumba
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
This could be us, but you weedin’.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.