Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
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“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*