cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
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went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?