@_NTFG_

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

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@pixelatedboat

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

@sensual_dad

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

@Queen_Sassy_AF

*first date*

Him: Favorite animal?

Her: Panaver

Him: Huh?

Her: A cross between a panda and beaver because I am lazy but love wood.

@bobvulfov

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

@Reverend_Scott

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

@dril

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!