What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
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WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
If there was a problem, yo, I caused it.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
PLS JUST DO IT
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good