@_NTFG_

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

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@MichaelGoffLA

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

@AimeeHelene1

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

@hogrider05

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

@Deurb1

Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.

@EricaWhoToYou

[6 ยฝ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

@bridger_w

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

@flashember

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good