Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
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[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Him: Favorite animal?
Her: A cross between a panda and beaver because I am lazy but love wood.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!