CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

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They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*


Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again


I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win


FRIEND: Try to relate to her.

(Later on Date)

ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?


My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.


Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?


Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.


Prescription commercials are always so touching until the last minute or so when they explain how their product could kill you.


Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.


Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’