@welfarehoe

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

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@PetrickSara

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

@isabelzawtun

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

@KelleysBreakRm

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

@ShutUpThatsWho

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

@Marlebean

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

@netflix

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

@CornOnTheGoblin

? Taaaake onnn beeees ?
[Take on bees]
? Taaaake beeeees onnn ?
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ?
Too many
Beeeeees ?

@Introvert_Dad

Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish.

I can’t even satisfy myself with a family sized lasagne

@WildeThingy

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.