They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
You Might Also Like
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
FRIEND: Try to relate to her.
(Later on Date)
ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Prescription commercials are always so touching until the last minute or so when they explain how their product could kill you.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’