CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
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If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement