CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

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‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”


Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.


[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that


My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”


*Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*

Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers

“You look fine now”


Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.


On the sofa and hear boyfriend start laughing to himself in the kitchen.

Turns out he’d just learned that 88 couples have come out of quarantine in China and immediately filed for divorce


Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.


“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*


[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager