CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
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Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Just a reminder, folks:
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
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