Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
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I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me