CW:my husband doesn’t understand me at all. What about yours?
Me:I wouldn’t know… I don’t talk to him about you…

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I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm


BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always
BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us


Little known fact: Fergie stopped making music cuz she ran out of words she knew how to spell.


Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.


I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.


Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’


I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”


Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?


I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”


what if peach and bowser were married the whole time and we were really just controlling a paranoid schizophrenic plumber trying to kidnap his old highschool girlfriend