Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
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I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.