Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
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SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick