My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
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Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot