Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
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Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
My wife faked an orgasm, so I faked a mortgage payment