@Rollinintheseat

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

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@tyrannees

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

@mewchainz

My sister said she had strange cravings and an enhanced sense of smell so she must be pregnant, but I secretly thought, “werewolf.”

@WilliamAder

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

@ClichedOut

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

@va_cc11

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

@meganamram

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

@SvnSxty

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

@EndhooS

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.