Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
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*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.