[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
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ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”