@Talk_To_The_Hat

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

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@philco816

Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming .

Wife: The radio isn’t on. Those are two alley cats in heat.

Me: I don’t wanna know, know, know.

@BunAndLeggings

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

@MikeDrucker

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

@iamspacegirl

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

@SocialustGal13

I don’t hate you. Hate is such a strong word. I just want to tickle your brain with this ice pick.

@sofarrsogud

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

@badbanana

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

@vikkaroni

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

@BuckyIsotope

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son