“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?