“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
You Might Also Like
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.