“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

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wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE


If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.


I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”


My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground


Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.


I always have too much month left at the end of my money.


[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages


Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.


[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?


“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.