@Fred_Delicious

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

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@_elvishpresley_

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

@anerdonfire2

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

@not_thenanny

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

@causticbob

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

@bigracksonly

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

@_xLNc

I always have too much month left at the end of my money.

@rebrafsim

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

@mom_ontherocks

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

@daemonic3

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

@CEHudspeth

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.