Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
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a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
smh
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget