Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity