*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
You Might Also Like
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
New Tinder profile.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!