@Browtweaten

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

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@sixthformpoet

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

@qwertying

Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

@Where__wolf

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

@BostonFanJosh

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

@GuyThe_Guy

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

@alispagnola

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

@iamspacegirl

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST *starts to shuffle them*

@sofarrsogud

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

@SvnSxty

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE