How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
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Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
MAGICIAN GHOST *starts to shuffle them*
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex
T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE