@Browtweaten

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

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@TheToddWilliams

Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) played a major role in the scientific revolution even though he was such a poor boy and nobody loved him.

@zdarsky

I want a SPIDERMAN GO app where I have to get pictures of spiderman for a furious j jonah jameson

@mattZillaaaa

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

@NJPsychDoc

My therapist says that to be happy in marriage, never go to sleep mad at each other. Been mad at my wife 2 months straight cause of insomnia

@MariyaAlexander

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

@flower_punk

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.