Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
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kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years