Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
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i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Choose your fighter
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
what could possibly go wrong?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
*looks at you in batman voice*
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.