[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You’re… an ambulance.
DAD: I’m- I’m so proud of you, son [dies]
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When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
She said no!
*sobs tears of joy*
-me after proposing
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Red bull gives you crippling heart palpitations just doesn’t have the same ring to it.