DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You’re… an ambulance.
DAD: I’m- I’m so proud of you, son [dies]

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PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something


Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver…


The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.


Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.


WIFE: Let’s role-play
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?


Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.


The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.


i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke


HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort


The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to go take a shower.