@chuuew

DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You’re… an ambulance.
DAD: I’m- I’m so proud of you, son [dies]

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

@AimeeHelene1

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

@david8hughes

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

@brandynwiththey

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

@akatinamarie

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

@JacobLevenson

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

@JIMBOSWELT

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

@LikeABaus91

Red bull gives you crippling heart palpitations just doesn’t have the same ring to it.