@chuuew

DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You’re… an ambulance.
DAD: I’m- I’m so proud of you, son [dies]

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@daemonic3

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

@karlainvt

Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver…

@iamnotdiddy

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

@FredPollack

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

@Cpin42

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

@markhoppus

The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.

@BlindChow

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

@TheToddWilliams

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

@abuya_henry

The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to go take a shower.