dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

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“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”


Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?


Said she was gonna send a pic of her “backyard’ . Turns out we weren’t on the same page


*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92


*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*


The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.


I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?


date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]


My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.


[after 16 years of waiting, my kid finally corrects me using a dictionary]

Me: Well if you love dictionaries so much, you should just Merriam, Webster haha

Webster: Is that why-

Me: Yeah, that’s why I named you that