dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
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*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
When he asks for feet pics
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.