[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
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If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Risking my life for fun.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.