@robyn_vo

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

You Might Also Like

@ArfMeasures

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

@just1fool

No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.

@wildvulture

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

@Marshalchisomcu

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

@better_off_dad

*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click

WebMD: Dude. Just call 911.

@TheToddWilliams

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

@LoveNLunchmeat

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

@WheelTod

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

@E_lok44

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.