Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
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it be like that
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing