That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
You Might Also Like
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I’m too immature for adultery.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter