Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
You Might Also Like
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now