@Rollinintheseat Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
@Sickayduh “Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?”
– Because they’re poor and have to reuse everything.
“Pfft losers”
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@Rollinintheseat 
@JohnLyonTweets The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
@T_Bonezzz_ Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
@ArfMeasures Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
@ddsmidt Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
@Hormonella Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
@botandy 9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
@PinkCamoTO My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
@huntigula WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
@LackOfShame Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her: