Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
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2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
What a chick magnet..
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.