With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
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I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.