Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?”

“Because your mum loves Easter and it’s an anagram of Easter”

“Thanks dad”
“No problem Alan”

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While people argue about the glass being half empty or half full…I’ll just be drinking from the bottle !


Yeah, I’ve got that Sexy Librarian thing going on. Except I’m not sexy. Or a librarian. I would like you to keep it down though.


Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it


When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”


People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks


*Pulls away from Kissing*

Me: This isn’t weird is it?

Cat: Meow


[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy


Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.


Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.


“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen