DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
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3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.