dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
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I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
the dark web is just a goth google.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?