If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
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Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.