@Sickayduh

DAD: I can’t believe you bought me a house for Christmas
SON: I hope you enjoy it
DAD: I’m just gonna…
SON: Oh no
DAD: Live in the present

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@CYComedy

An upscale Asian restaurant called “Suit and Thai.”

@Laser_Cat

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

@IdoNotPoo

It’s all fun and games until you find the Twitter crush who catfished you is infact your husband

@murrman5

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

@sarcasticmommy4

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

@TheHatdog

*gets handed a Mario Kart controller at a party*

I don’t know guys, I’ve never done this before.

*straps on monogrammed driving gloves*

@kimlockhartga

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

@Midgetspar

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.