DAD: I can’t believe you bought me a house for Christmas
SON: I hope you enjoy it
DAD: I’m just gonna…
SON: Oh no
DAD: Live in the present

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I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.


‘When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in’
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically


I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.


One day, someone will call me sir without adding “I think we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”


Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.


My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose


Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.


Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.


Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.


The best part of being a bear would be waking up from hibernation and immediately killing something