@Sickayduh

DAD: I can’t believe you bought me a house for Christmas
SON: I hope you enjoy it
DAD: I’m just gonna…
SON: Oh no
DAD: Live in the present

You Might Also Like

@Moldy_Jellybean

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

@daplusk

‘When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in’
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically

@TheRolo

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

@charliedelta7

One day, someone will call me sir without adding “I think we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”

@ShoutingGoddess

Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.

@StephiHill

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

@DzNutz83

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

@Michael1979

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

@chopper4jk

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

@dumbbeezie

The best part of being a bear would be waking up from hibernation and immediately killing something