DAD: I can’t believe you bought me a house for Christmas
SON: I hope you enjoy it
DAD: I’m just gonna…
SON: Oh no
DAD: Live in the present

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My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.


[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.


You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on “cheat days” when you can eat as many as you like.


I’ve found a diner. Or maybe it’s a house. Either way this little old lady is cooking me breakfast.


My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.


My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.

What a thing to Fallout 4.


*turns on shower*
*shower whispers “eat donuts for breakfast” & “get drunk tonight”*
Me: Wow, that’s some serious water pressure