@Sickayduh

DAD: I can’t believe you bought me a house for Christmas
SON: I hope you enjoy it
DAD: I’m just gonna…
SON: Oh no
DAD: Live in the present

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@PickleRudd

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

@sixfootcandy

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

@ServiceTech_

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

@markleggett

You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on “cheat days” when you can eat as many as you like.

@CanadianCyn

I’ve found a diner. Or maybe it’s a house. Either way this little old lady is cooking me breakfast.

@panmidwest

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

@LMHPhotog

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.

What a thing to Fallout 4.

@Playing_Dad

*turns on shower*
*shower whispers “eat donuts for breakfast” & “get drunk tonight”*
Me: Wow, that’s some serious water pressure