dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
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Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
This is a true ally.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
#NeverForget
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one