Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Me, “I rest my case.”
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
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What medications do I take?
I’m not sure. The names on my neighbor’s prescription bottles are ridiculously long
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I don’t know which is stranger: That the cat buried a mouse’s body in the yard, or that the service was attended by dozens of mice in suits.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
my thoughts based on your zodiac symbol