“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Always
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!