@FrogAvalanche

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

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@Parkerlawyer

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

@spicy_peen

What medications do I take?

I’m not sure. The names on my neighbor’s prescription bottles are ridiculously long

@sad_tree

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

@Thedudish

I don’t know which is stranger: That the cat buried a mouse’s body in the yard, or that the service was attended by dozens of mice in suits.

@krissywillbretz

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

@SvnSxty

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

@natedog2049

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

@daemonic3

my thoughts based on your zodiac symbol

aquarius♒:¯_(ツ)_/¯
pisces♓:¯_(ツ)_/¯
aries♈:¯_(ツ)_/¯
taurus♉:¯_(ツ)_/¯
gemini♊:¯_(ツ)_/¯
cancer♋: NICE
leo♌:¯_(ツ)_/¯
virgo♍:¯_(ツ)_/¯
libra♎:¯_(ツ)_/¯
scorpio♏:¯_(ツ)_/¯
sagittarius♐:¯_(ツ)_/¯
capricorn♑:¯_(ツ)_/¯