“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
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[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed