DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
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Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”