“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
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Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.