Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
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“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Happy thanksgiving
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”