Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
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Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Ok, but like, how married are you?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Body by cheese-puffs.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
found my next D&D character name
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value