Me: why did you stop me?
Cop: for starters you’re not wearing a seatbelt.
Me: what about main course?
Cop: step out of the car.
DAD: I want a steak.
HER: Eat this chicken instead. It’s healthy.
DAD: No it isn’t. It’s dead.
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*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
“You sure that’s the right word?”
“Yeah, like 80% sure.”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
“Ride or die” seems a bit dramatic. I’m looking for a “ride or maybe go our separate ways if things aren’t working out.”
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist
A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”
Police: “You were going fast.” Me: “I was trying to keep up with traffic.” Police: “There isn’t any.” Me: “That’s how far behind I am!”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?