@Sickayduh

DAD: I want a steak.

HER: Eat this chicken instead. It’s healthy.

DAD: No it isn’t. It’s dead.

You Might Also Like

@KKAlThani

Me: why did you stop me?

Cop: for starters you’re not wearing a seatbelt.

Me: what about main course?

Cop: step out of the car.

@MissHavisham

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

@_youhadonejob1

“You sure that’s the right word?”
“Yeah, like 80% sure.”
“Print it.”

@prufrockluvsong

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

@Kid_topher

“Ride or die” seems a bit dramatic. I’m looking for a “ride or maybe go our separate ways if things aren’t working out.”

@markedly

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

@fro_vo

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

@drinksmcgee

This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”

@staceys55

Police: “You were going fast.” Me: “I was trying to keep up with traffic.” Police: “There isn’t any.” Me: “That’s how far behind I am!”

@lynnbixenspan

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?