Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
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My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
From Facebook just now…
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.