My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
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Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy