@pterotactful

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

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@daemonic3

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

@KateWhineHall

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

@mrjohndarby

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

@mogvvai

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

@prufrockluvsong

Lately all you hear about is prioritizing self care but I need someone to tell me to maybe back off and think about other people for a change, like maybe I should’ve paid more attention to that guy I saw in the street who was screaming that he was on fire

@QwertyJones3

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

@roxiqt

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

@ThatDudeF

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’