DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
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My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My teenage children choosing violence
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
screw you
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj