@MorticiaKate

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

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@AbbyHasIssues

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

@Bevels333

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

@PaulKaloper

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

@KeetPotato

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

@matny

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

@SteveKoehler22

Top five movies that could
easily have been about @ ‘ers :

-Alien
-Psycho
-Raging Bull
-Close Encounters
-One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

@Reverend_Scott

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

@Macar00ny

*shoots self in foot*

“Damn i like the metaphor better”