Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

You Might Also Like


Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.


Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so


Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.


ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.


Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry


zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf


I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.


Top five movies that could
easily have been about @ ‘ers :

-Raging Bull
-Close Encounters
-One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest


*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.


*shoots self in foot*

“Damn i like the metaphor better”