Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets