@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

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@ElizaBayne

Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: have you been taking your diabetes meds daily?
PATIENT: no
DR DOG: *hits him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Bad patient!

@AlanHungover

*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!

@seriouslyamy

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

@cerebralbeef

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

@fart

accidentally called the guy at the oil change place “mom”

@Pat_Bren

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

@TEXASVETERAN

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

@MelvinofYork

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.