“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“It smells like ketchup.”

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Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents


DR DOG: have you been taking your diabetes meds daily?
DR DOG: *hits him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Bad patient!


*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!


3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.


The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.


accidentally called the guy at the oil change place “mom”


The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.


A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.


At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.