“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
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Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.