“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“It smells like ketchup.”
You Might Also Like
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world