@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

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@jergarl

Ambien: Where is your unicorn?

Me: I don’t have a unicorn.

A: You better get naked and go into that Arby’s and look for it anyway.

M: Ok.

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

@SamGrittner

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

@JakeSocial

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

@danchovy

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

@Shen_the_Bird

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

@jonnysun

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

@KentWGraham

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

@Freudstombstone

Sorry I missed your funeral, but in my defense, you’re not coming to mine.

@TheClifBob

I’ve been using my 4 year old as an alarm clock for the last month. Let me tell you, remarkably consistent.