Ambien: Where is your unicorn?
Me: I don’t have a unicorn.
A: You better get naked and go into that Arby’s and look for it anyway.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“It smells like ketchup.”
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FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
me: wats ur favorite cheese
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Sorry I missed your funeral, but in my defense, you’re not coming to mine.
I’ve been using my 4 year old as an alarm clock for the last month. Let me tell you, remarkably consistent.