@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

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@OtherDanOBrien

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

@Girl_Censored

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

@MelvinofYork

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

@anerdonfire2

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

@JJSummertime

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

@rickygervais

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

@MaybePileJokes

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world