[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
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My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
The opposite of Iceland is water water